I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

I'm Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

I have said many times that I never expected to get a divorce, nor did I expect that I would remarry and become a Step Mother (in our house Bonus Mom).  But look at me now, getting ready to celebrate my 4th wedding anniversary with the world’s most amazing husband and enjoying every moment I get with my bonus children and they know I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

The term “bonus” was suggested by my “bonus” daughter. She looked at me one day and said she wanted to call me her bonus mom because I didn’t feel like a stepmother, I was more than that.  I think she was 7 and let me tell you, my heart swelled.  It helped to affirm that how I was interacting with her was working.  Movies present children with a difficult example of what a stepparent is.  Examples that come to mind are from some of my favorite movies …Disney.  We all think of Disney as the happiest place on earth making the sweetest, most adorable movies. However, in the area of stepparents it’s not the case. Two of the best examples would be Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs where the stepmother is trying to kill Snow White because she is “fairer” than she is and Cinderella where the stepmother treats Cinderella as a maid and imprisoners her when she has a chance to be happy.  The Evil Stepmother is never what I wanted to be. I’m glad I’m succeeding at skipping that title.  In both instances the Stepmother felt threatened in some way, maybe in these stories it wasn’t by another Mother, but children need to know I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

The More People That Love You the Better

It really doesn’t take much to make my bonus children happy. They are just looking for love, affection and encouragement and I have plenty of that. I don’t need to be called Mom.  I am a firm believer that the more people you have in your life the luckier you are. I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

I believe family does not need to be blood. There are quotes about this all over social media and it is so true. In our home we are just family, brother and sisters, Bonus Mom and Dadam (a combination of my husband’s name Adam and Dad) Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles are just that. Another wonderful quote on social media “The only steps in our house are the ones that lead upstairs”. I’m their Bonus Mom because they want me to be.  I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

The children’s Mom will always be their Mom. I know they love me, they don’t have to call me Mom or love me more than they love her, it should never be a competition.   I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

We Have Different Experiences to Offer

I offer different experiences than their Mom does.  I have a grown child and grandchildren. I have been through the pre-teen and teen routines; I know things that their Mom doesn’t. Just as much as I know things she doesn’t, she knows things I don’t.  We have different tastes, likes and dislikes, hobbies and adventures. This can only benefit the children to have multiple views on life, learn there is more than one way to do things and experience things they wouldn’t without having this option available to them. Although our ideas about parenting and life in general may be a different as night and day we can each offer something to these children. I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

It's Not a Competition

I’m secure in the Mother I am. I have two beautiful daughters who love me very much. We have been through Hell and back and they are still right there loving me. They seek me out for advice and support and share their hopes and fears.  I don’t need to “take over” another Mother’s children to know I’m a good Mom.  Creating a competition type atmosphere would only hurt the children if they felt they had to choose. I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

My bonus children come to me for their needs when they are in our home. They feel comfortable talking to me, asking me questions and spending time with me.  They can still go to their Mom’s and do the same. I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

My bonus children express their love for me without me starting it. They come to me for a hug out of the blue, they tell me love me before I get a chance to say it first. They include me in stories they write as part of their school work and in drawings they do.  Their teachers all know they have a Bonus Mom and sisters because they include us as their family. I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

They see their Dad is happy now.  We have a wonderful, happy, loving marriage and home and that is done with Dad being married to someone else besides their Mom. They know I make him happy and accept me as his partner and as a parent in their lives, they never really questioned it, they accepted it openly from day one.  We did wait before involving the children in our relationship to be sure we were solid, we did not want the children to experience any more separated families.  They don’t have to replace Mom to enjoy what they have now.  I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

It's About The Children First

Recently their Mother and I attended a school function for the children at the same time.  She was there with our son and I was there with our daughter. It was a breakfast and then an assembly.  We sat together for breakfast and then she and I sat together at the assembly.  I thanked her as we were leaving for being open to me being there and for showing a peaceful and amicable situation to the children.  The children don’t need to see tension or issues between us.  She and I will never be best friends, and we certainly won’t always agree, but I do believe we will always work in the best interest of the children. I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

The most important reason why I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom is respect.  I wouldn’t want my daughter’s Stepmom trying to replace me, why would I do that to anyone else. A mutual respect for the Mothers of the children that are in our life will go a long way in helping our children be well-rounded, loving, caring individuals. My Mother raised me to always take the high road, to be the bigger person, no matter what happens, if our difference come to a head, I will always take the high road, it wont affect my children.

No matter what they call me, I will always love them like they are mine. I have 4 children, not 2 and I can do that without replacing their Mom.  I’m Not Trying to Replace Your Mom

My Blended Life Makes Me a Very Happy Wife

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  1. Michelle says:

    I love this bonus mum concept! and I love even more that it was your bonus daughter who suggested it! blended families are more and more common these days and as a child who grew up in them it is lovely to see that both side are putting the child first and allowing them to love you both authenbtically for your own roles in their lives! thank you for sharing #allformamas

  2. Maria H. says:

    If I could have just one mom, it would make a huge difference in my life. To have two makes it that much better, full, helpful, experienced. You are a wonderful bonus mom. It must be amazing to have bonus children. Your heart full of love, house full of lovely noise (on good days of course), and your life just immensed in life. You put awesome, in being a "step mom"! 

    1. admin says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words. You made my day ?

  3. Amy says:

    Stephenie, I love that your philospohy for communityovercompetition is apart of who you are in the bloggin world and in real life!!! My parents are still together, but I have a number of friends who have blended families and in many cases the parents or new parents are in competition with one another trying to be liked by the children. When someone is trying to be seen as the best and most fun parent, decisions are not really about the kids and more about how can they be viewed as better than someone else. Kids notice this and I personal think the competition send a bad message. I love how you are laying it out there that you will love your bonus kids for who they are and that you want to work their mom and be an additional source of love and support. You are a wonderful mom and Bonus mom!!!

    1. admin says:

      Thank you my friend for you kind words. Some days it’s hard, I don’t always agree with the way Mom does things, but I don’t let the kids know it. You can’t agree with everyone all the time anyway 😉 I just have to make sure these babies deal with as little mess as I can. Being from a divorced home is hard enough let alone have 2 sets of parents that could be fighting. I’m a lucky bonus mom for sure

  4. Allie says:

    What a cool thing to be called besides step mom, I love bonus mom! And this is a great cornerstone article that really gives a great feel for you and your life and how important and fulfilling your role as bonus mom is for you. You sound like you have a great head in your shoulders with your eye on the real prize… The wonderful kids!

    1. admin says:

      It is so important to me that the kids make it through this new life that they didn’t ask for as painlessly as possible. I don’t want them to deal with Co-parenting issues, it’s hard enough for us. I will always try to do my best for them ?

  5. Kirsty says:

    Oh I love this! I love the concept of the bonus Mom, sounds so much better than Step Mom. No one can replace a childs own mother and as you say yourself, why would you want to.  It's awesome that you all present a united front for the children, their needs and welfare should always come first.  Well done for being such an awesome Mom and Bonus Mom! x

    1. admin says:

      It certainly isnt always easy to be the bigger person or put a united front forward, but when you think of the blessings which are our children it is easier to get through what we are struggling with.  We always try our best, sometimes we fail and learn from that and sometimes we celebrate our success.  It will always be a work in process.

  6. Laura says:

    I love this whole concept of bonus mom! I hope I never get a diverse but if I do I will want to be called a bonus mom if I have step children 

    1. admin says:

      I sure never expected to be a Bonus Mom.  I would never choose it for anyone.  However, what I gained in my new husband and my bonus children makes it all worth it.

  7.  I must say you gave a different a very perspective of being stepmom. Usually we have a horrible concept of step moms as  shown in Cinderella story. But thanks for showing a different side of step mother.

    1. admin says:

      Thank you, we aren’t all evil ?

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